Tag Archives: Kink

NSFW/18+: e[lust] #45

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Photo courtesy of CreativNooky

Welcome to e[lust] – The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust].  Want to be included in e[lust] #45? Start with the newly updated rules, come back April 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Bringing Toxic Sex Toy Facts Out of the Attic

How Do I Get My Wife to Dominate Me?

I Need This

~ Featured Posts (Molly’s Picks) ~

Speaking the unspeakable

#safetytipsforladies

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Easy Come Easy Go: A Look at Orgasm Control
I came before I was ready
Relationships and age difference
PolyAnna’s Musings: Different is Good, Right?
Seriously Proud Queer
Spanking Kink of the Week
How to Be Good in Bed
A Thousand Small Unhappinesses
What’s in a Number?
The Absence ofHow to Tell if a Man is Gay
Stop Shitting on the Bottoms

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

It’s Not Misandry, You’re a Douchebag

CatalystCon

Catalyst: How it Inspired

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Caning: To count or not to count
Slavery and Social Death, by O. Patterson
His Eyes Hungry. His Body Pleads: Use Me!
Toilet Whore
And then, I apologized.

Erotic Fiction

Wicked Wednesday: A little bit of confusion
The Moment
Detached
Waxing Lyrical
The “L” word
Gorge
Lolita Twenty-Thirteen, Part Three
Difficult

Erotic Non Fiction

Girl on Girl
The Moment I Felt Owned
Tasting Her
Acting on Instructions
Final Cruise
Quickie
A Lazy Sadistic Orgasm
I had 8 days of sex.
An hour together 
Cheerful Disappointment
What is Erotic?
The Coin Flip
Playing with Adam
A Trip to the Hardware Store
Fall From Grace

 Eroticon

A Somewhat Different Eroticon2013 4~part Post

Poetry

The Dark Place

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[NSFW/18+] Stop Shitting on the Bottoms

(At some point I was going to title this post “Let’s Hear it for the Bottoms” but that’s way too classy for the likes of me. )

I have had it up to here (Note: I am holding my hand way above my head.) with how our society views male-identified people who enjoy taking penises/strap-ons/what-have-you-who up the butt. I am tired of bottoming being seen as inherently subordinate or somehow emasculating for men to take pleasure from being on the receiving end of anal penetration. I am extremelytired of how certain elements of the gay-male culture have taken these positions on bottoming and somehow codified them into “gay laws” or something (Yes, I am mostly thinking about white, cisgender gay men right now.)

The paragraph you’ve just read is an old complaint. I’ve felt it myself and heard it from others for years but I’ve recently felt moved to vocally speak out on this. On January 28th a music video went up on Willam Belli’s Youtube page that began to pick up attention around the web (There are over 5 million views on it right now.) Here’s the video (Probably not safe for where you work):

It’s really not a terrible music video but it casually brings in some of what I’m talking about.

 

My hackles were first raised pretty early on when the narrators point out that this Boy put “versatile” (As opposed to strict bottom or strict top.) on his Grindr profile and then say, “Versatile, Yea, OK. Girl y’know you’re super Gay.” Here’s the thing: BEING A MAN AND ENJOYING THE SENSATION OF SOMETHING BEING PUT INTO YOUR BUTT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH “HOW GAY” YOU ARE. Got it?

 

I’m a pansexual male who has spent lots of time in various queer communities where there are plenty of gay guys. One thing that I keep noticing is this habit of some of these gays to form a hierarchy based off of how “straight passing” they are. (Another thing- It seems like most of these hierarchy obsessed dudes are also very much in the main-stream gay culture which is heavily white and cisgendered and not very friendly to others.) The issue that I have with this hierarchy (besides being stupid) is that it feels like it was created to give “straight passing” guys a sense of superiority.

 

YOUR EXACT SEXUAL ACTS DON’T DEFINE YOUR SEXUALITY. THAT’S NOT WHAT SEXUALITY MEANS. YOU CAN BE A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO PREFERS TO WEAR A STRAP-ON AND DOESN’T LIKE TO BE PENETRATED AND THAT DOESN’T MEAN SHE’S NOT STRAIGHT.

 

And that “Never gonna bottom” breakdown? Am I the only one who feels like the singers are almost bragging about how they’re a top? If my interpretation of that section isn’t totally wrong then they’re continuing this idea that it’s shameful to bottom. That whole bit of them running after the Boy and pointing their fingers at him and telling the whole world that he’s a bottom? That whole bit felt like they were accusing him.

So here’s my take away from this- There is NOTHING WRONG WITH RECEIVING DURING ANAL PLAY and doing so TELLS YOU NOTHING ABOUT THAT PERSON OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT THEY HAPPEN TO ENJOY RECEIVING DURING ANAL PLAY. If you like bottoming then you should bottom. If you like topping then you should top. If you like doing both then you should do both. If you like to frot then you should frot.

And m’dear Tops, cool it with the bottom mocking because without bottoms you’re stuck with expensive Fleshlights*.

*Of course if you like Fleshlights better than human butts then that’s great too. Enjoy what you enjoy!

[NSFW/18+:] e[lust] #44

Welcome to e[lust] – The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust].  Want to be included in e[lust] #45? Start with the newly updated rules, come back April 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

 

Everyday D/s

Honesty sometimes feels like manipulation

Blood, life, sex

 

~ Featured Posts (Molly’s Picks) ~

Grief and Sex

Bringing Others into a Dom/Sub Relationship

 

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Adventures In… Lube-land
ORAL SEX, AS STANDARD AS THE WHEELS ON A CAR 
PolyAnna’s Musings: Radar Love
A productive morning
Livia Has a Crush
Terms of Fatness

 

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Thoughts: Feminism, Sexism and Submission

 

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Deep subspace – sexy or scary?
Django Unchained: the suffering black female 
What the hell is ‘NORMAL’ sex anyway?
Before
All About the Collar
Dirty Little Secret
Honesty

 

Erotic Fiction

Master’s Valentine’s ToDo List
The Passion of First Encounters.
Ma’am’s Turn (First Meeting Part 3)
Nipple torture and girl love
The Boundary
I’m in the Mood
Skin
Memories
Lolita Twenty-Thirteen, Part Two
Want
A Quick Preview

 

Erotic Non Fiction

Lindsey’s Orgasm
Blog Jammin’
Postponing the Inevitable
Watching Has its Own Rewards
A Farewell Torment
Writhe
I want to lick your pussy
Cap D’Agde 2012 Foam Party
Dirty Hot
Eighty-Five Minutes
Saying Goodnight
Hundreds of orgasms
our open marriage- mina’s date
1+1+1= My first threesome
Writing Sex Scenes
Beginnings and Endings
Glass Bottle
One Cole the Dane + One WeVibe Salsa = Orgasm

 

Blogging

Epiphora’s beginner’s guide to sex toy review
Very Inspiring Blogger Award

 

Eroticon

Erotic Eroticon
Finessing Sex- A Snippet Of Fiction
Eroticon Highlights
Bite Me

 

Poetry

In the Back Seat of the Bus
Transmogrification
Gelüste
Oiled Seduction

Etiquette: Bringing Others into a Dom/Sub Relationship

The other day I was listening to the Sex Nerd Sandra podcast when one of her guests talked about her experiences with a slave who came into the sex toy shop where she works. She describes how a man entered her store and presented her with a letter that she was to open and then read to him. The letter was a shopping list of what he was supposed to bring home (apparently this was the first time he was told what exactly he needed to buy) but also included several very mean things that the woman had to read out to him. After the woman said that this was the most uncomfortable she’d ever felt while working in a sex toy shop Sandra talked about how this sort of behavior is unfair to people who don’t know that they’re getting roped into a fantasy. She went on to describe how the shop where she works gets these sort of situations but that these can be successful if the dom/master will call before the sub/slave arrives to give the shop a heads up.

I was actually horrified when I listened to the story and kept hoping she was going to say something about how this was a hypothetical situation. My horror is not with the master/slave or dom/sub relationship but by the fact that this woman was brought into the dynamics of a relationship without her consent. I’m sure we can all agree consent is extremely important, particularly when we enter into the intimate world of sex, (Actually I tend to say that communication is even more important as you can’t have complete consent without communication but let’s make that a different post.) and for a culture that puts so much emphasis on consent why do we sometimes bring people outside of our relationships in without their consent? It probably sounds like I’m over reacting here but my anger and annoyance isn’t geared towards this one incident but rather was reignited by hearing this story.

When I first began exploring more sex-positive subcultures I kept running across stories like this in forums or advice columns or articles or just general conversation. The nice thing was that a year or two ago these stories died down. To hear this woman’s experience after a nice quiet period was really troubling, especially since I thought that this was basically over. Me writing a blog post on this subject probably won’t have any impact but I’m a Blogger And So My Opinions And Ideas Are Worthy Of Being Shared With Everyone From Solomon To Jack the Ripper.

The blunt point of what I want to say is that consent isn’t needed just from the people who are placing their genitals into each others orifices (or whatever it is that you like to do) but from whoever is going to be involved; this includes anyone who is involved in your power dynamics. The one area that I feel less strongly about this is when it comes to people who get their jollies from the danger of almost being caught. It’s one thing if you’re sneaking into semi-public places to have sex (the dorm laundry room or a some shrubbery in a not too crowded park) but when you want to involve someone else you better have their consent.

One popular theme that gets brought up in erotic stories involves the subordinate partner answering the door to a plumber/electrician/mailman/etc. while wearing nothing or with a collar on or some other humiliating device their dominant has thought up. I feel it’s one thing if it’s along the lines of the sub is wearing a short skirt with no underwear (Trust me, I’m not just thinking of female identified people here.)  as I tend to place this more in the category of “flirting with almost getting caught” but to go further is a whole different ball(gag) game. The advice that I’m going to give is something that I haven’t had personal experience with and it will need to be adapted depending on where you live; however, I think it can provide a useful starting point for people who might want to incorporate this element of humiliation into their play. The dominant can call or e-mail ahead to whoever is coming over to your place. Here’s a suggestion script or e-mail that I wrote up:

Hello, [YADDA YADDA MY STOVE NEEDS MAINTENANCE YADDA YADDA] Just so you know my partner and I have a relationship where we explore power relations/kink/humiliation/whatever-you-think-will-get-the-point-across. My partner might answer the door while wearing “X” and I wanted to give you a heads up. There’s nothing specific I need from you but I wanted to make sure you/whoever-is-coming-over won’t feel uncomfortable with what they’ll find. Obviously if this is an issue than I’ll make sure my partner isn’t home/is wearing all their clothes.

I think it goes without saying that you will know your own situation better than I will so please take this as a rough suggestion.

If you have friends with similar interests in your local community then they can be a great resource. Ask if they know people who’d be comfortable making house calls and make sure you let them know if you find people who are open to this. Local messaging boards or really any kink forums can be another tool. Finding forums online that address your region may be challenging (Fetlife could be a good place to start looking.) but finding them can be a lot of help.

One of my favorite examples of dom/sub in public/incorporating others is an anecdote from a friend at my previous university. His face flushed with happiness, he came into the suite to announce that he’d been walking through the student center when a dominant came by walking their subordinate on a leash. My friend approached the dom and after commenting on how cute their “puppy” was asked if he could pet it. Permission was given and my friend left with his day made. What I like about this is that this particular couple brought their relationship public (Yay for kink visibility!) and welcomed participation from others but didn’t force others to engage in it. (I also really like this demonstration of how power play doesn’t only mean one person in boots flogging a naked person like our media likes to portray.)

Consent, consent, consent, three words that I never get tired of hearing. Bringing others into your relationship can be fun and exciting but should always include consent. Let me know of your own experience with this subject and if you feel there’s anything I got wrong.

I Am Eternally Indebted to Harry Potter, JK Rowling and Horny Teenage Fan-Fiction Writers

JK Rowling opened a great number of doors to me. Throughout my childhood and adolescence I grew and developed with the flawed Golden Trio (Harry’s fucking angst, Ronald’s jealousy, Hermione’s… actually, Hermione is flawless so I’m not even going to touch on this subject.) As a queer youth in a straight world I found connection with Remus Lupin and enjoyed the symbolism of Harry leaving his closet for Hogwarts. I learned the art of snark from Professor McGonagall, the maternal touch from Mrs. Weasley, the thrill of dedication from Madam Pince.

The characters of the wizarding world taught morals of the highest order. Loyalty, honor, love, dedication, compassion, joy in darkness; all are lessons from the fictional characters of JK Rowling’s imagination but Ms. Rowling’s own life has given me ideals to live up to. The story of how she came to write the series has taken on near mythic status: the single mother with barely a penny to her name scratching out the story of a brave little boy on the back of cafe napkins. Her ability to rise through her depression, tragedy and hard circumstances have remained a source of inspiration.

A few summers ago I was seated next to an older man from Scotland at a community dinner. Conversation soon turned to Edinburgh, where his mother owned a small gift shop. On one quiet day in the shop, if I remember his story correctly, this man’s mother was chatting with a friend when a woman came into the shop. She picked out a teddy bear but when it came time to pay she was embarrassed to find that she’d left her wallet at home. The bear was needed for a birthday party that night and the shop owner assured the woman that she could come back to pay for the bear the next day. After the woman, red-faced and with her bear, left the shop owner’s friend turned to her and said, “You know who that was? That was JK Rowling!” (If memory serves Ms. Rowling showed up the next day with her money.) For me that story was more than just an amusing anecdote of one of the world’s wealthiest women, it cemented my idea of Ms. Rowling as a thoroughly excellent person who does her own shopping and forgets her wallet like the rest of us. I don’t believe in paragons, a lesson from Miss Marple, and I have no doubts that Ms. Rowling has her fatal flaws just like the rest of us but I take comfort in my picture of Ms  Rowling as a personal hero.

Besides those higher ideals that I’ve picked up from Harry Potter I also have to thank it for some wonderful sexual education. Fanfiction was introduced into my life a short while after my body was introduced to that delightful gift called puberty. Confusing, terrifying, unsettling, isn’t puberty wonderful? I wanted answers when I didn’t even have the questions but fanfiction was there for me. Skilled writers, most of them probably not that much older than I was when I was reading it, wrote about consent and kink and romance and it was wonderful. When I found things that made me feel uncomfortable (i.e. rape) I looked them up on Google and learned more about them. When I found things that  really, really, really interested me I also used Google. Through these Google searches I ended up pretty decent education on the more alternative sides of sexuality. It wasn’t the most comprehensive education (Thankfully I benefited from a thorough sex ed course in eighth grade that did a great job covering the more biological aspects.) but it was my introduction into a fascinating world that I’ve yet to come back from.

When I began reading The Sorcerer’s Stone I had no way of knowing what I was getting myself into. As a scrawny little first-grader picking up that square little paper-back I began an education in Being A Good And Decent Person, an education that would encompass more than just Loyalty and Bravery but also Consent and Sex-Positivity. There is no way I can repay Ms. Rowling for opening my life and so I  give my thanks by living the lessons I’ve learned from the world she gave me.

Damn straight I went as Professor McGonagall to the midnight premier of the last movie.

Damn straight I went as Professor McGonagall to the midnight premier of the last movie.

Doms Messaging Subs: A (Fairly, Maybe, Most Likely) Safe for Work Post about Etiquette (That I'm Probably Not Too Qualified to Write…)

Let’s be perfectly frank (but not sexually explicit*): I’m a person who has interest in submissive/dominant sexual relationships and who uses online sites to interact with potential romantic/platonic partners. (This isn’t about my interests, I just feel like sharing where I’m coming from.) When I create profiles for online sites (primarily Fetlife and OkCupid) I tend to put onto my profiles something about my interest in sub/dom sexual relationships. My profiles don’t necessarily say that I lean one way or the other but they do mention my interest.  Despite not declaring myself a submissive or dominant I tend to get messages from dominant folks looking for a submissive and that’s perfectly fine, but here’s what I don’t think is fine: the way in which I’ve been approached by doms.

When I look at the messages (and I’m thinking primarily of two messages I’ve received on Fetlife) I’ve received from doms my “WARNING! UNCOMFORTABLE! UH-OH! NO! OH DEAR!” Klaxons begin to sound. My first thought was that I’d just happened to get two icky apples but after spending more time in online kink communities I felt that I was seeing similar experiences being shared or brought up. So here’s a pro-tip for doms approaching subs via messages or pictures: just because I’m interested in exploring sub/dom relationships does not mean that I’m coming to react favorably to demanding and explicit messages. There’s a big fucking difference between a message that reads something like this:

“Listen Up Slut, Master Here [List of bossy-ass demands]”

and a message that reads something like this:

Hello, I saw your profile. I am also interested in dom/sub. I like X, are you interested in X? Let me know!

The issue that I take with the first message is that it presumes that the sender knows what I’m looking for. (And let me just say that if you dare to presume you know what I want then you can go and take a long trip down an abandoned mine-shaft**.) The sender presuming that they know what the other party wants makes me instantly uncomfortable. I feel that these messages immediately set up a not-so-equal power relationship where the messenger/dom is setting a tone of “I am in control and we will do exactly what I want and your input doesn’t really matter to me.”

Look, it would be one thing if my profile said:

I want you to send me explicit and bossy and X and Y messages

or even:

I want to be in a relationship where the master is in control and we will do exactly what they want and my input shouldn’t really matter to them.

In this case the rough (Pardon the pun.***) particulars of the relationship are already set out. A vague framework has been established of what one party wants out of the relationship and the manner in which the dom replies helps to establish what the other party wants. My gut instinct is to say that before any sexual (or really any relationship) begins all parties involved will have an honest and open conversation about what exactly they’re comfortable with, what they want and what they definitely don’t want. That being said, I totally get that not everyone is going to share my view on this. Not everyone is as turned on by open conversations as I am (Open conversations are right up there with full consent, Ezra Miller and conversations about bog bodies.) and  I can respect that, as long as everyone is satisfied with what’s going on.

Oh, here’s another note for doms messaging subs (or really anyone messaging anyone): If the recipient responds by turning you down then you really shouldn’t take it personally and you really, really shouldn’t respond in anger. What you were offering simply wasn’t what that person wanted and there’s nothing you can do about it. I’m going to draw on my own first-hand experiences to show you what I don’t recommend doing:

Messenger: [Bossy-ass demanding and demeaning opening message that I was really turned off by.]

Me: “No.”

Messenger: “FUCK OFF AND DO NOT FUCKING BOTHER ME.”

Yeah, please don’t be this dude, alright? And let me know what you think. Also, comment about Fetlife. It’s a bizarre website with some… some… somethings in its past that makes me uncomfortable and I’d like to hear other people’s thoughts on it.

(*Hello! You found the footnote! Did you know that WordPress doesn’t seem to have any sort of footnote feature for their posts? It’s the truth. That’s not the point. A note about the sexual nature of this post: I don’t want this to be a rated-R or NSFW (Not Safe For Work) post. Rather, I’d like this post to be a friendly conversation about an aspect of life that has to do with sex and kink. If you’re not comfortable reading this then please don’t.)

(**I could be alone in this. Disagree with me? Agree with me? Feel completely neutral about this? Please let me know in the comment section, I really would love to hear your feedback on message senders thinking that they know the recipient’s interests.)

(***Yeah, I know it’s not a great pun but I’ll take any pun.)