I Kinda Loathe 16-Year-Old Samuel

There’s been a lot going on over the past few days and so I never really got a post together for today (I forgot it was even Tuesday until my Google calendar started screaming at me to put up today’s post.) In lieu of anything that comes close to being mildly interesting here’s a Facebook survey that I did when I was 16. I came across it a few hours ago and might as well make my humiliation complete.

A
– Available: depends on whose asking. (16-Year-Old Samuel, Not that clever.)
– Age: 16
– Annoyance: right now it’s the fact that Star Trek is loading (I assume I meant that Star Trek was loading slowly.)
– Animal: targ (I’m so hilarious. [Stab me.])

B
– Beer: Noooo thank you… (I was a judgemental asshole.)
– Best Friends: I don’t like this so I’m giving y’all nicknames Baby, Dictator, Donkey, Adorable, Bora, Chat, Dress-up, Jumpy, Sustainable, I know I’m missing one or two but my brain’s dead (I was also a complete idiot. I don’t even know who half of these nicknames refer to.)
– Body Part on opposite sex: I am a big supporter of body parts
– Best weather: stormy, like right now
– Been on stage?: if you didn’t know that about me then…you might not know me
– Believe in Magic: it’s the essence of our being (Seriously, stab me.)
– Believe in God: Mine
– Believe in Santa: Nope, Kris Kringle yes, St. Nick yes, Papa Noel yes, Santa nope. (What the Fuck was I on back then? Maybe this was some commentary on the commercialization of Christmas?)

C
– Candy: Lemonheads, wicked ones (In order for this to make sense you need to know that my first e-mail address was “wickedlemonhead” because I was an idiot.)
– Color: Green
– Chocolate/Vanilla: mmmm
– Chinese/Mexican: usually chinese unless it’s mexican I like.
– Cake or pie: pie, foolish question (Alright, I wasn’t entirely stupid.)
– Continent/Country to visit: England, Italy, Poland for now (the lands of my ancestors).

D
– Day or Night: night
– Dance in the rain?: but of course.

E
– Eggs: growing in our back yard (that is, being laid in our back yard).
– Eyes: brown, deep brown…I love my eyes
– Everyone’s got…: (a) sing and dance (I don’t know what that “(a)” is.)
– Ever failed a class?: I would like to think not. (Oh my fucking god you annoying little bitch, just say “No.”)

F
– Full name: Samuel Aloysius Zaber
– Food: Choco(late) covered Strawberries

G
– Greatest Fear: not being in control (Yeah… still basically true.)
– Goals: finish my knitting project, have someone whacked, be published, be elected, be talked about, I dunno (I like my priorities. Also, the fact that I wrote “have someone whacked” makes me feel like adolescent me wasn’t entirely the worst.)
– Gum: eh
– Get along with your parents?: HA! (yes)
– Good luck charm: my belief (and a bat pin I wear for exams) (Man, I could have used that pin when I was still in school.) 
– Game: winning. (This was before Charlie Sheen made “winning” not cool.)

H
– Hair Color: brown with red (Brown)
– Height: 5’8″ or so
– Happy: when ever I can be.
– Holiday: Passover, although we didn’t do it this year.
– How do you want to die: in a big leather chair with my cat and a leather bound book. (I can work with this.)

I
– Ice Cream: phish food. (Still true.)
– Instrument: piano.

J
– Jewelry: necklaces a few rings.
– Job: wednesdays! (I love it). (I worked on Wednesdays. No idea why I phrased it like that.)

K
– Kids: are not my favorite things
– Kick boxing or karate: karate. (Oddly enough I’ve recently had an interest in taking up kick boxing.)
– Keep a journal?: your asking me this? Of course, words are life. (I never kept a journal for longer than three days.)
L
– Longest Car Ride: To Belize and back, that’s a lie, maybe out to Michegann (It was to Detroit.)

– Love: everything, well, I try to. (Like Hell you did.)
– Laughed so hard you cried: Yes!

M
– Milk flavor: whole farm milk flavored
– Movies: Juno, Keeping Mum, Checking Out, Star Trek: The Search For Spock, and others (These are all movies that I still recommend with vigor.)
– Motion sickness?: on a ferris wheel, it was a big one, ok?
– McD’s or BK: CLAIRE’S!!! (I suppose I am sucking up to the boss) (Explanation: I was an idiot.)

N
– Number of Siblings: my parents pretend I’m an only child but I think they ate my other eight siblings. (True.)
– Number of Piercings: none, that I’m aware of. (SERIOUSLY, You’re NOT Clever, 16-Year-Old Samuel.)

O
– One wish: things such as wishes do not come in “one”. (STOP IT.)

P
– Perfect Pizza: would be delicious (Still not clever.)
– Pepsi/Coke: ever seen what it does to you’re teeth? (Pepsi)

Q
– Quail: enjoyed it the one time I ate it at the now deceased Inn On The Common

R
– Reason to cry: Hello? I’m a teenager, I don’t need a reason to cry (Oh man, I was deep and shit.)
– Reality TV: CORPORATE COPS; STARRING: MICHAEL MOORE (This is a reference to a joke Michael Moore did in Bowling for Columbine. It still makes me laugh…)
– Radio Station: 107.9, wait, this question implies that there are more than one radio stations, ridiculous, V/NPR is the only one. (Stand by this one.)
– Roll your tongue in a circle?: it’s a family trait.
– Ring size: I dunno (Still don’t.)

S
– Song: Lady Madonna (I can still remember when I first heard it: Ketchum Hill Road with Donkey) (Alright, that was definitely not the first time I heard that song.)
– Shoe size: i dunnom, eight maybe
– Salad Dressing: good salad dressing
– Sushi: the little I’ve had was good
– Slept outside: Ok, who ever is asking these questions really does not know me.
– Skinny dipped?: See above (At this point in my life the answer is once. STOP TRYING TO BE WITTY/EDGY/COOL, 16-YEAR-OLD SAMUEL.)
– Shower daily?: yes, whenever I can
– Sing well?: I have the voice of a nightingale, a dying one, one which is dying of bronchiatis
– In the shower?: that’s what showers are for
– Swear?: ONLY WHEN NECISSARY (it lowers your iq) (Seriously I fucking want to punch this little bastard right fucking now.)
– Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries… although my mom grows fine blueberries

T
– Time for bed: 8-9, pm (Still kinda is…)
– Thunderstorms: sent from above

U- unpredictable: like all Vermonters, predictably unpredictable (No idea what I was going for. I’m sorry.)

V- Vacation spot: vacation spots usually insinuate beauty, which is everywhere, so the answer is: everywere (I really am so sorry that 16-year-old Samuel was ever allowed near the internet.)

W
– Weakness: I’ve found that I can’t stop stabbing/bludgeoning so that’s a weakness  (I will Stab and Bludgeon you so freakin’ hard, 16-Year-Old Samuel.)
– Which one of your friends acts the most like you: I pity any who do
– Who makes you laugh the most: “God” (think Voltaire) (Oh gosh, you’re so intelligent and educated and superior to everyone around you, 16-Year-Old Samuel.)
– Worst feeling: changes every time a new one comes around
– Wanted to be a model?: for others, I dunno, that’s pretty big pressure
– Where do we go when we die?: where we’re supposed to be (I’m in no hurry to find out where I’m suppose to be)
– Weather: wind storm!

X
– X-Rays: knee (after Donkey ploughed into me on a bike)

Y
– Year it is now: In my mind? Still mid-1600’s (I DESPISE YOU.)
– Yellow: A great color, one of my favorites (No, it wasn’t.)

Z
– Zoo animal: monkeys

LAST PERSON WHO…
1. Slept beside you?: Saedie and Bobo…it was GREAT. (Cat and dog.)
2. You went to the mall with?: Donkey and Chat. (No idea who “Chat” was.)
3. You went to dinner with?: Family I suppose.
4. You talked to on the phone?: Bora?.
5. Made you laugh?: God.
8. Held your hand?: Well, I had to keep holding her hand as she kept trying to get away (Dictator).
9. Spoke with?: Grandma (if I wasn’t against it there would be a heart sign here)
(You fucking pretentious little tit, I want to slap you. <3)
10. You cried over?: Abigail and John Adams
(Valid.)
11. Last person you texted?: Jumpy with Adorable…nearly a month ago
(“Jumpy?” “Adorable?” No clue.)(For reasons that I shudder to think of I posted this comic from Trek Life at the end of my note. Another example of me trying to be all cool by being like, “I like Star Trek and I’m not ashamed of it and so I’m better than you.” Again, I’m so sorry.)

Sod Off (Give Away)REMINDER: I’m giving away two copies of this print for free. Details are here.

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2 responses to “I Kinda Loathe 16-Year-Old Samuel

  1. I kinda adore current Samuel’s commentary on 16-year-old Samuel. Thank you for making me chortle!

    xx Dee

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