(At some point I was going to title this post “Let’s Hear it for the Bottoms” but that’s way too classy for the likes of me. )
I have had it up to here (Note: I am holding my hand way above my head.) with how our society views male-identified people who enjoy taking penises/strap-ons/what-have-you-who up the butt. I am tired of bottoming being seen as inherently subordinate or somehow emasculating for men to take pleasure from being on the receiving end of anal penetration. I am extremelytired of how certain elements of the gay-male culture have taken these positions on bottoming and somehow codified them into “gay laws” or something (Yes, I am mostly thinking about white, cisgender gay men right now.)
The paragraph you’ve just read is an old complaint. I’ve felt it myself and heard it from others for years but I’ve recently felt moved to vocally speak out on this. On January 28th a music video went up on Willam Belli’s Youtube page that began to pick up attention around the web (There are over 5 million views on it right now.) Here’s the video (Probably not safe for where you work):
It’s really not a terrible music video but it casually brings in some of what I’m talking about.
My hackles were first raised pretty early on when the narrators point out that this Boy put “versatile” (As opposed to strict bottom or strict top.) on his Grindr profile and then say, “Versatile, Yea, OK. Girl y’know you’re super Gay.” Here’s the thing: BEING A MAN AND ENJOYING THE SENSATION OF SOMETHING BEING PUT INTO YOUR BUTT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH “HOW GAY” YOU ARE. Got it?
I’m a pansexual male who has spent lots of time in various queer communities where there are plenty of gay guys. One thing that I keep noticing is this habit of some of these gays to form a hierarchy based off of how “straight passing” they are. (Another thing- It seems like most of these hierarchy obsessed dudes are also very much in the main-stream gay culture which is heavily white and cisgendered and not very friendly to others.) The issue that I have with this hierarchy (besides being stupid) is that it feels like it was created to give “straight passing” guys a sense of superiority.
YOUR EXACT SEXUAL ACTS DON’T DEFINE YOUR SEXUALITY. THAT’S NOT WHAT SEXUALITY MEANS. YOU CAN BE A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO PREFERS TO WEAR A STRAP-ON AND DOESN’T LIKE TO BE PENETRATED AND THAT DOESN’T MEAN SHE’S NOT STRAIGHT.
And that “Never gonna bottom” breakdown? Am I the only one who feels like the singers are almost bragging about how they’re a top? If my interpretation of that section isn’t totally wrong then they’re continuing this idea that it’s shameful to bottom. That whole bit of them running after the Boy and pointing their fingers at him and telling the whole world that he’s a bottom? That whole bit felt like they were accusing him.
So here’s my take away from this- There is NOTHING WRONG WITH RECEIVING DURING ANAL PLAY and doing so TELLS YOU NOTHING ABOUT THAT PERSON OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT THEY HAPPEN TO ENJOY RECEIVING DURING ANAL PLAY. If you like bottoming then you should bottom. If you like topping then you should top. If you like doing both then you should do both. If you like to frot then you should frot.
And m’dear Tops, cool it with the bottom mocking because without bottoms you’re stuck with expensive Fleshlights*.
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*Of course if you like Fleshlights better than human butts then that’s great too. Enjoy what you enjoy!
Monks' Press 
Ha! Right on. I totally agree. I have often felt that the gay community’s hierarchy of “straight-passing” levels could be likened to the days when African slaves and their descendants were measured in value based on the darkness of their skin. Those who could pass for white were treated differently, even by people of their own race (both positively and negatively). We have similar hierarchies all though our culture…but this one that you are highlighting is certainly a “pain in the ass”. And for the record, I agree with you that enjoying anal penetration has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Some people just like it. Me and Mr. LL included. Thanks for the thought-provoking post. I wasn’t going to read any blog posts tonight, but this one caught my eye…and I just couldn’t help myself…
I guess my title was a bit eye-catching. Thank you so much for your comments. I wondering comparing the hierarchy to skin tones among African-Americans might be a stretch but in general I agree with your point.
“One thing that I keep noticing is this habit of some of these gays to form a hierarchy based off of how ‘straight passing’ they are.”
I was talking with a friend today about how lesbian hierarchy is sort of the opposite: in her experience, butches are definitely higher in the proverbial pecking order than femmes. Maybe it has to do with not how straight you seem, but how masculine you are.
Obviously these are unofficial surveys that have a terrible sample size but I feel like these are observations on popular culture. 😉
Is it possible that this has to do with the fact that our society looks down upon or doesn’t value non-masculine traits? You get me the grant and I’ll go all social scientist on this question. FUND ME.
Will you pay me to be your grantwriter?
Well said, I’ve been thinking about this myself recently and how not only some in the BDSM community consider themselves more relevant than others, but how elitist and exclusive they can be. This to me is a bit like standing against your brothers in arms, so to speak, instead of standing with them and saying to the world this is us. To me it doesn’t matter what fetish you enjoy as long as the person you are sharing it with is fully able to give their consent. You can be in a straight male in monogamous D/s relationship and enjoyed anal penetration, and be into wearing fetish gear or not, you can be in a 24/7 M/s relationship or just enjoy elements of BDSM when and where you choose. We are all different and all just as valid as each other, so why the elitism? The sexual acts you choose to indulge in are on a continuum from straight vanilla to extreme BDSM, it doesn’t make one any more valid than the other. Those who are into BDSM practices are considered “different” and in some way dysfunctional (thanks Freud) to their vanilla counterparts, so why further this stigma, why judge others because they do not meet your particular standards of Kink?
Take for example Fetish clubs and their dress codes! I understand that you don’t want just any voyeur from the street walking in and thinking it’s a sexual free for all, but there are lot’s of people who enjoy practicing BDSM who are not into wearing fetish gear. I feel that club dress rules discriminate against these people, because even if they would like to go to a fetish club and meet like minded people they won’t because fetish gear is not they’re thing. It limits the scene, it say’s “we don’t care if you’re an experienced kinkster if you’re not into what we are into you are not coming in”! It’s elitist and unhelpful to removing the stigma attached to BDSM.
So as with your point embrace the diversity within your community, don’t mock it and in doing so limit it! Allow people to be who they are, and do what they enjoy!
Amen! Amen! Amen!
I don’t really know anything about the etiquette and rules of fetish clubs but what you described makes me a wee bit irritated.
Amen! I have a long history of fucking men in the ass – completely straight, masculine men who are not attracted to men in the least, yet love anal play. I wish I could explain that to all the straight men I have sex with…